Monday, August 31, 2009
Every time I am told to list down my top fifty craziest enterprises—and I have been asked to do so innumerable times—I would be totally clueless since what would or could I term as crazy. Believe me, when I embark on something or think of embarking on something, I never imagine that it could be crazy or even remotely so. I never start with the presumption of being, or doing, or trying to be crazy. It always turns out to be one. Not to me perhaps, but to others, specially those unfortunate enough to accompany me. And what's really sad is that no one believes me at the end that it wasn't my intention at all to do something crazy, different yes, crazy certainly not. I was a hapless victim of circumstances as well.
So what's crazy? Let's turn to that father of all dictionaries, Oxford, for the explanation, which lists four definitions: 1. insane or unbalanced, especially in a wild or aggressive way. 2. extremely enthusiastic about something. 3. absurdly unlikely 4. full of cracks or flaws. Now as per this lexicon am I crazy? Let me explain in the same numerical way.
1. I am definitely not insane or unbalanced. My mind works coherently and I don't hallucinate, neither do I attack people (provoked or unprovoked) or throw things at passer bys. I don't normally display any wild or aggressive behavior. I am a pacifist and practice non-violence to the point of ridicule. Though trained in unarmed combat with specific knowledge of how to kill a man in 34 precise ways I always opt to run when faced with violence. Despite being a trained criminologist and forensic scientist, having done autopsies and handled mangled and bloodied human remains on several occasions, I detest blood. I guess I can safely negate the level of 'crazy'.
2. I am an extremely lethargic fellow. Passionate about life, but not necessarily enthusiastic. If I had a choice in the matter then I would do nothing at all. I simply love to day dream and stay in my fanciful wonderland. But I am also extremely dreadful of becoming fat or unfit, hence my outdoor ventures. So on this count too; I don't think I qualify as 'crazy'.
3. This Oxford suggestion befuddled me completely. What do you mean by 'absurdly unlikely'? Well, am I absurdly unlikely! I already am whatsoever I am, or whosoever God wished me to be and all of you are a witness that I am, I exist, I am as much real and tangible as is possible in this make-believe world. Well, then is it what I do is absurdly unlikely! I don't think so, since I really do them and they really do happen. Repeatedly, time and again, year after year, I conjure new ways of killing myself or reaching a place where none had been before and they all happen. If something happens this regularly with such boring repetitive conclusions then how can it be 'absurdly unlikely', so there, once again I am not 'crazy'.
4. Hmmm, now that's something Nietzsche would have loved, with his questions on modern morality and human failings. Am I full of cracks and flaws? Well, I most certainly am… but no more or less than the next Joe in line. All human beings are full of flaws and everyone has cracked up at least once in their lifetime. With me, perhaps, the intensity and frequency is marginally higher. And in this count, I certainly am crazy.
My flaws are numerous and cracks too deep to delve. My flaw begins with a perennial thirst for the unknown, with a vision that refuses to focus anywhere else but the furthest and most obscure horizons, with a heart that is willing to embrace all, with a mind that never sleeps and never ceases to question and with limbs that are forever seeking to be punished and pushed beyond their normal function of carrying a human upright. My flaws begin to complicate with my epic sense of humor. There's absolutely nothing under the sky, and few even above, which I do not find funny; including life and death, love and longing. I love my own company yet I make friends for life instantly. Though I sift through time all the time and can't sit still for long, I am with you when I am with you since I live for the moment, only in that moment, with complete mind body and soul. These are definite flaws and people often label me as cold hearted or far too temporal for any prolonged association, and in this manner many a friend have I watched walking away, never to return again. Why didn't I stop them, you may ask and here lies my biggest flaw and deepest crack perhaps.
I live with zero expectations but with hundred percent hope. So I don't expect that they will return, but hope that as they recede, they would at least turn around. I don't expect life and its wonderment to go on forever, but I hope it will as long as one is alive. I don't expect that one nation would stop butchering another, but I hope that at least one sane voice would emerge from all the turmoil. I don't expect man to stop being his own worst enemy, but I hope that the human heart would replace hatred with compassion. I don't expect you to understand any of these, but I hope that you would at least try to. I don't expect spring to prevail through the year, but I hope that spring would come again. I don't expect that we would stop making mistakes, but I hope that we would learn to forgive. I don't expect the next mountain that I climb to grow shorter or easier, but I hope that by then my shoulders would have grown stronger and with that I really don't expect any of you to read this, but I hope that you will come visiting my blog once in a while.
If this makes me crazy, then so be it!