Sunday, July 27, 2014

Who Defines your Reality

Many years back I met a recently crowned Ms World, whom the media had touted as the most beautiful woman in the world (obviously). So I asked her if she really believed that; and she said an emphatic ‘Yes’. I took another ten minutes to show her that it wasn’t an objective truth and there’s no way that she was the most beautiful woman on Earth. Her title was true only after applying so many variables and factors and limiting criteria that by the end of our discussion the poor girl was literally walloping in her real tears. So I consoled her by saying that it really didn’t matter what I or anyone else said, and she really did not have to go for a breast lift or dental fix to be truly the most beautiful woman; all she needed was to believe and that’s all. We became friends and very soon she totally felt as the most beautiful woman ever in the history of mankind and didn’t give a damn to her title or to the media or to anyone saying anything at all. Even after all these years, with a twenty year old kid and a belly line that slightly bulges around her bikini bottoms, she believes that she is still the most beautiful woman on Earth. And I totally agree.

That’s the power of positive belief that creates your own realities. Your reality is what you want to believe.

Now let’s look at another example. One of the top women climbers I had known (she isn’t alive anymore) was once rated as the world’s best woman climber by a climbing magazine and that made her happy to no end since not only she believed in this verdict (even if it wasn’t true factually) but she felt it was a vindication for all the hardships and sacrifices she had made (all her boyfriends would leave her sooner or later). And then in a nasty column one of her critics with a personal agenda against her, next year, wrote a scathing piece on her. This not only devastated my friend but it plunged her into such abyss of depression that she wanted to kill herself, so I had to go to her rescue because I not only loved her deeply but respected her as a climber and a fellow human being. So I told her that she had two options: she had two absolutely contradictory verdicts about herself by two strangers and it was up to her to accept the verdict she wanted to believe in. And if she chose not to accept the latter verdict then it should not affect her at all; no matter whatever filth people wrote or said about her. It isn’t true so why should it affect her at all. Or she had the choice to decide for herself what she really, truly was, as a climber and as a human and then disregard both the verdicts, since neither was she the best woman climber in the world (in climbing world there are no best, the best is always the mountain that we attempt to climb) nor was she that bad as the second article made her to be. It wasn’t what others thought about us that is our reality; it is what we want to believe about ourselves that should be the deciding factor.

Now let’s look at another scenario from another aspect of life - man-woman relationships. So one day when the husband says to his wife that ‘I love you,’ she totally believes him and feels happy, or she could believe that he is cheating on her and that’s why he is being so nice to him; same goes when he buys her an expensive gift (it could swing either way); it is either a genuine feeling of love or a guilty conscious trying to hide behind embellishments of action or materialism. It’s totally up to the wife to believe whatever she wants to. Let’s look at another often played out scenario, a husband and wife live in perfect harmony believing that they love each other and have eyes only for each other (ideal perfect love), so this couple have been with each other for decades and then one day someone tells the wife that her husband is having an affair and immediately she believes this and starts suspecting her husband and her life becomes miserable. She hates her life, herself, plunges into depression, doesn’t know what to do with her kids, even plans revenge by being unfaithful herself etc, etc. Now the thing is that the person who told her about her straying husband could very well be telling a complete lie for whatever reasons. Yet the wife, forgetting all her life of bliss with her husband, prefers to believe in a stranger’s word and based on that destroys her life. Because now her reality is what she wants to believe!

Here is the thing, why do we want to believe in the things that are good and positive and also in the things that are really bad and negative! Are human genes naturally self-destructive? Do we naturally feel that life cannot be just good and it should have some real miseries and sadness! Why do we attach so much more importance to those who do not know us and have absolutely no significance in our lives, they couldn’t care less if we died, yet we believe them when they say things to hurt us, malign us, destroy us; why can’t we stick with our self-believes then, since that is our reality.

Should we keep changing our lives based on what other people believe about us, or should we be the one deciding. We are happy when people say good things about us (even when it is not true) but we become angry when people say bad things about us (even when it is actually true); so we are on one hand willing to trust a lie since it works for us but reject the truth when it goes against us and also become angry. The anger perhaps comes from within since deep inside we know that it is true yet our upper senses do not want to believe that we could be that bad. Now look at another angle, something good is being said about you and it is true; how do you handle that; with happiness hopefully but with humility as well. And if something bad is being said about you and it is not true; how do you handle that; mostly with self denial and anger. Whereas logically you should handle a negative lie with humour and laughter since it is nothing and it is not true.

Sometimes we make too much meaning out of words or gestures; for example, if your partner or lover hasn’t called you for a while or said ‘I love you’ recently or hadn’t wooed you as he or she used to at the beginning, warning signs start blaring in your mind that he or she isn’t in love with you anymore, or he or she is having another affair, etc, etc and all these thoughts and beliefs only makes your own relationship weaker and weaker till one day it falls apart. Why couldn’t you have believed that everything was just as it was though due to whatever reasons he or she wasn’t displaying love in the manner as before? There could be thousands of reason to justify this change yet why don’t we think of any of them, instead jump at the most obvious negative reason! When your wife says that she finds another man sexy and handsome doesn’t mean that she doesn’t find you sexy anymore, likewise when your husband says he finds another woman gorgeous doesn’t mean that you are not gorgeous anymore. And to add to our already shaky self-belief, there are millions of pages online dedicated to such absolutely trash articles by people claiming to know it all: how to tell your spouse is cheating; how to know he is not into you; why do a woman / man cheat; etc, etc.

It is your believe actually that should always rule the day, irrespective of what your spouse or partner says.

I might as well as add that I am truly proud to know at least one woman who (despite all the so called hard evidences proving her unfaithful husband beyond any doubts) decided to believe that he still loved her and wanted to be with her and so put the entire episode behind and they continue to live happily and stronger than before.

There is no comparison for human beings or any animal for that matter. Each one of us is absolutely unique and there has never been anyone like you before and there will never be another one like you. So who you are and what you want to be is totally dependent upon your belief.

Contrary to what we have been led to believe, life is actually full of choices, even when you feel you are helpless; and the first and foremost choice you make every day is who you are and who you want to be and what you want to believe and how will you accept a situation or react to a moment. These are your fundamental choices that no one can take away. These are the choices that will define the path of your life and where this path will take you.

YOU decide your reality. 

1 comment:

  1. totally agree.. but then there are also circumstances that define a path in one's life!