Passport Jane

Let’s name my passport Jane, the current edition being number 14. As a minor I had held 2 passports (India issues 5 year duration passport to minors and 10 year to adults) and in adulthood 12 more. Now if you do the maths it should strike you strange because I am barely 56. As you guessed correctly none of my passports ever survived the duration of 5 or ten years since the pages got exhausted well within less than half that duration requiring me to apply for a fresh one. 

As my global gallivanting continued so did my passport pages got stamped and handled by immigration and customs authorities all over the world. Not to mention the odd random police or military checks here and there especially in fair skinned world where my brown skin is often subject to suspicion. I have been presumed on several occasions as man of dubious occupation and even a homeless middle-east refugee. So my passport, all the Jane’s down the years have got used to traveling, being handled and opened, disrobed and scrutinized, pondered over and disbelieved. 

While I could complain the distinct disadvantage in possessing an Indian passport as it is one of the most abysmal one for international travel purpose (what else could be the purpose of a passport I have no idea) it has never really denied me any travel options. Though I have had to submit copious amounts of documents, face ridiculous questions from ludicrous visa granting officers in all sorts of embassies, I have never been denied a visa till date. And over the last 42 years I have now traversed through 190 countries out of 193 as per the UN list and quite a few more that doesn’t count as countries in the UN Charter aka Vatican, Palestine, Kosovo and several such vagrant nations.

I average around 20 – 25 countries every year at least. Therefore you can understand that the only thing that travels as much as my feet do is my passport, my ever present ubiquitous Jane. Now being a plucky girl that she is, Jane has been everywhere and has seen it all. From the heights of Everest to the deepest caves in South Africa and from the scorching sands of Sahara to the freezing deserts of Antarctica. She has braved the Amazons and anacondas as well as the lions of Serengiti. She has climbed the world’s highest volcanoes as well as the icy graves of some of world’s deepest glacier crevasses. She has jumped out of planes as well as soared up into the stratosphere in hot air balloons. The only place I have never taken Jane is deep underwater. Not because she isn’t capable of, but I am not sure if she is waterproof.

 Basically what I am trying to say is that Jane has an equally itchy feet as I and I knew that the time was nigh when she would start moaning. My last trip was a long overdue adventure in Chilean Patagonia, Atacama and some winter climbing in the US and since then I have been zero altitude bound inside a house due to you very well know what. It’s nearly four long months now that I haven’t been anywhere even within India, forget about international travel. I cannot even go to Delhi for Pete’s sake. I am lucky if I can go for an evening stroll in the park without someone pouncing upon me to check my temperature. For the first of these months of solitary confinement I was totally inside the house only stepping out to buy food. Suddenly I realized that the personal freedom that I had gained and cherished above all and perhaps took for granted was only an illusion as long as I subjected myself to stay within the confines of the society. If wishes were horses then beggars would ride and I would be upon some mountain. But wishes are only that – wishes.

 So this morning just as I was about to put the first morsel into my mouth, Jane piped up. Why am I not traveling? Why am I stuck to this godforsaken place for three months?

You are not traveling because you can only travel if I travel and since I am not, so you too are not. I replied glumly. And why aren’t you traveling? Are you sick? Are you broke? Are you ok? Jane threw a rapid fire.

 I am fine, I am not ill and I am definitely not broke. I replied. Jane stared at me for a moment trying to figure if I was all up there. Then she said, ‘do you need some psychiatric counseling! I have a friend who has a friend…’

 The prickly heat of 42 plus was already too much to handle and now all this inane questioning by Jane, ‘look sweetheart,’ I said. ‘I know you mean well, but please leave me alone. I am fine and I am not traveling, in fact no one is. And it is beyond your cerebral capacity to understand or grasp the reason or its magnitude.’

 Hmmm, Jane hummed. Why aren’t you traveling then? She asked.

It’s Corona. I said. What’s that? Jane posed. Sounds like a feminine name; do you have another girlfriend now who has tied you to domestic obligations? Jane barked at me. She was a jealous mistress for sure and could never tolerate another woman in my life.

 It’s something that no one can see or feel but it is supposedly everywhere and it spreads by touching and sharing body fluids and it is killing every human being, at least trying to. I said. Oh, now I understand why you have been staying like a celibate ascetic, Jane ruminated. But how does Corona kill? And who is she? How do you know it is there if you can’t see or touch or even feel it?

 That’s a good question I have often asked myself. How do we the common people even know that Corona is there. Far more people die each day globally due to perfectly normal and natural and explainable causes than that is being attributed to this new anathema.

 I have no idea Jane. I said feebly.  But then no one has any idea, it isn’t just I. Jane took a while to digest this fact. Is there no solution? She now posed. Not that I know of, I had to admit other than simply wait it out just like everyone. Hoping it would either blow away, or mutate into something harmless or less virulent or someone will come up with a vaccine in adequate quantity to immunize humanity. I must have sounded a bit sordid since Jane didn’t believe a word.

 You know so many people, globally, and all those friends of yours in high places, why can’t you get an e-pass or some sort of special travel benefits. Jane asked next. Perhaps I can, I agreed, but as you know in hard times friends rarely appear. So there’s no hope, she seemed to ululate. Yes there’s always hope Jane, I assured her. But I have no idea what that is.

 But I want to travel, I want to be ogled at, touched and caressed and stamped and flipped through. Jane cried in anguish. You have not only deprived me of my spirit but also my physical self of the only pleasure I know, that of travel and touch. Well, my dear girl, I now said, these two are exactly the things that are now banned. To travel and to touch.

 What a bleak world this is, Jane now moaned. How can I exist when my reason to be does not exist any more. What good a passport is that doesn’t travel and cross international boundaries and isn’t full of visa and entry-exit stamps. And I still have half of my life left as per the expiry date and merely few blank pages. I cannot take this anymore. But you have been grounded only for four months now Jane, and mind you, along with me, your eternal companion so all isn’t lost yet. I pacified her.

 Oh you abominable creature, how would you know the charms of travel and constant motion. I exist because I move and cross borders. If you take these two things away then what’s my purpose. So how long do you think we have to wait? She suddenly asked. I have no idea and I don’t think anyone has either. That shut Jane for a while. She put her elbows upon the table and pondered. And then she said…

 I am dead anyway since only travel keeps me alive and useful, so I am going to bury myself into the deepest darkest corner of this house and dare you take me out unless it is to get a visa or to travel. So saying Jane bid her goodbye and disappeared.

P.S. Though this post is mine, a friend supplied the idea. efcharisto ευχαριστώ